The Accountability Test
After a fight, do you genuinely consider whether you were wrong, or do you immediately build a case for why you were right? Toxic partners consistently externalize blame — every problem is caused by the other person, every conflict is a response to their behavior.
Pattern Recognition
If multiple exes have had similar complaints about you, the common denominator is you. One person misreading you is possible. Three or four people seeing the same pattern is data.
The Control Check
Do you need to know where your partner is, who they're talking to, what they're doing? Do you get upset when they spend time with friends? Do you make them feel guilty for having a life outside the relationship? These are control behaviors, and they're toxic regardless of intention.
What to Do If It's You
Acknowledging it is the hardest and most important step. Toxic behavior isn't a permanent identity — it's a pattern that can be changed with awareness, effort, and usually professional help.